my mother thinks i’m going to hell

by shrinksarentcheap

“Is this a good time to talk about something important?”

“Go ahead,” she said.

“Okay,” I replied hesitantly.  My dad was on speaker phone, too.  “I just want you to know that at the end of January, the kids are going to be coming back to live with me.”


“Their dad and I both think that it will be best for them to move here.  I know it is out of state, and I wanted to just let you know.”

More silence.

“Okay, so…I guess that was all.”

Suddenly a wildly sobbing voice says, “I just am upset because the kids need to be raised with Jesus!  These are their formative years and I know there’s no guarantee, but the chance that they…” she couldn’t even go on, her distress was so great.

I paused, as this was the last reaction I had expected.  I had expected bad, but not because of Jesus.

In retrospect, I should have expected nothing less.  Because for them, there is nothing more.

“I don’t really want to discuss your view of my spiritual state, Mom.  It seems pretty decided, and I can’t imagine changing your mind.”

“Well, I think that way about your spiritual state because of your actions!”

“Mom, it isn’t as if I am going around murdering people, or lying all the time…gossiping…” I trailed off, not wanting to list any more sins from Corinthians.  I know she thinks that I am breaking the most important ones.  You know.  Those ones about (shh) s.e.x.

{It is important to note that these next words were hers, verbatim} “Well, same goes for my pagan neighbors!”

“Um,” I tried to think of something.  Anything.  “Absolutely!” I said.  I don’t distinguish myself from her pagan neighbors, really.  (No, she does not know what “pagan” means these days.  I am pretty sure she meant “heathen” or “atheist”).  I am somewhere on the spectrum of Christian-spirituality, but I am so far outside of Christianity according to Christians themselves.

I am outside looking in, to them.

My kids have been living with their dad, since I left him.  I moved out of state to live with my boyfriend.  Now, the kids are going to come and live with me.

My mother’s only thought is Hell.  It guides her every action, her every emotion, her every relationship.  She is a daughter of Hell.  It owns her in the most degrading, sorrowful sense.  She fears it so intently that she willfully cowers within its fiery walls.

How do I rescue her from it?

What kind of God do you worship, Mother?  What kind of deity causes you this immense suffering?  Break your chains!  Shed your guilt and shed your rules.  That is what Jesus came to do for you and you’ve twisted it.  You’ve twisted Him, and His Father, into monsters.  You worship monstrosities and become a monster yourself.  You snap the bonds of love, the only things that really matter to Him.  Your distress is of your own doing!

How I wish I could see you freed.